June 13, 2023
<journal entry>
I’m sitting in the kidney transplant office at Mass General. I had a moment of emotions, I felt it approaching from my walk here. I had gotten dropped off at the main entrance where the ER is I think. This hospital is huge though.. so I’m not sure.
However, I walked in there and got directions from one of the buddies in the lobby. I turned around and walked out of the building through the side exit door, that was beside the tall revolving doors. I wasn’t trying to do all that work haha. Actually both times, walking in and walking out.. I took the side doors. Entering was the one on the left and exiting was the one on the right.
I began my quest to the right destination - with a map in hand, headphones on ears blasting ‘Relevant’ by Popcaan, and so grateful that the universe orchestrated a walk in my mid day. As I drove in to Boston, well in the backseat as I was driven. I was watching all the people walk through the city and wanted to also join the feels. I don’t know it’s just something about walking in the city.
So I walked and although I had the map, it felt like my spirit knew where it was going. I glanced at the map a few times but it felt so easy to get to my destination. I danced as I noticed I was where I needed to be.
I walked past the store and entered the door that had 16* on it.
I looked at the laminated sign on the desk that read ‘Kidney Transplant 3rd floor’ .. I continued straight heading to the elevators. I pressed the button, entered the elevator and felt the tightness in my chest that indicated tears were about to flow.
Before I knew it, I was at the third floor. So I held it together and entered the double doors where I saw “Kidney Transplant” painted on the front of the secretary desk. I walked up to the desk and she asked me for my name and DOB. I told her my name and ting & she proceeded to tell me that I was all set and could take a seat.
As I sat there, with music flowing through my headphones - ‘5 Star’ by Adekunle Gold to be exact and I just let it flow. I started crying right in the center of that doctor office waiting room. It wasn’t a loud hysterical cry but a quiet gratitude cry.
Gratitude to myself for just trusting the process and not giving up NO MATTER WHAT. & also, just this journey of kidney failure .. has been A J O U R N E Y. Also Also, this rising while I was showering - I said to myself “you know what.. I’m not resisting anymore. I allow myself to get a transplant. If I’m meant to get a kidney transplant I’m getting that transplant. Uni please give me a clear sign that indicates I’m walking in divine orchestration.”
So yea, I’m just here to allow whatever is best for me to be present and live in that and know that the universe is holding my hand, I am protected. I am strong, and I ain’t make it this far to stop here - okkk.
So I get called to go in, like 3 mins after this whole fiasco - the whole cry and wiping my tears and I let myself have that moment amongst literally 15 other humans.
I’m chilling, I get my blood work. I get brought to the room that I’ll be talking to all the buddies from the transplant team that’ll be working with me.
Tell me why, I’m sitting there waiting for the first nurse buddy that came in to talk and another nurse buddy knocks on the door (even though it was open) I appreciate the respect though. She says my name & I turn to look at her and I said “that’s me.”
She goes *points to the woman behind her* “Is a new nurse, is it okay if she sits through your appointment” .. I said, “yea .. that’s fine” with a smile on my face per usual.
The lady behind her proceeded to walk in & as she’s walking by me, I’m IN HER FACE haha. Cause she looked so familiar. One thing about me is, I never forget a face. I may forget your name but your face? Nah. I said “you look so familiar” , is your name ____?
Tell me why she said her name at the same time as me. Hahaha. I said “I think I remember your face from BI”. She was like “yea I was a program coordinator there”. I was like “omg, yea you were my program coordinator” .. she was like “Wow. yes. You look so different” .. and we went on for a minute or two with how crazy it was that she was there - and I was there and it’s for the same thing but at a different place and just wow.
As the appointment(s) went on, she said to me - “.. this is my first day here in clinic too.” My jaw dropped, I said “whaaattt. That’s so divine.”
Letting go of resistance is allowing the vibration that’s best for self to be present, without fear and without trying to control. It’s you saying yes to that which you have asked for, and trusting that the most high will deliver. Unwavering faith.
As the day flowed, I spoke to 4 different buddies & that lady stayed through them all. We spoke in between each appointment & I came to realize that was my CLEAR SIGN. And that I’d be a fool to not see it and feel it as such. Wow. What a magical life I live. All I could do is grin to myself and say “Thank you divine.”
You ever heard the phrase .. “We tell God our plans and he laughs.” I was on a transplant list before and had gotten removed for non-compliance. And I came to believe that maybe I wasn’t supposed to get one, and I would just heal myself.
So I resisted the thought, I resisted getting back on. I resisted the conversation of it with my family and friends. I just resisted. But dialysis ain’t no joke. And it ain’t nowhere close to cute. I make it look good but it’s so hard on my body. If I didn’t have a strong mind and the will to live life full, it wouldn’t look as good.
I am allowing the universe to heal me, remove me from this situation. & I am no longer going to stand in the middle of divine orchestration anymore, so I let go & I am so thankful for the divine sign I received in that doctors office. I’m extra so I be needing signs IN MY FACE, to be like O K.
So grateful. So loved. So protected. So in alignment with source energy & so be it.
I let go of the need to control or live in my ego. I am all that I am & the most high has divine plans for me. I am to let it flow, and not resist the flow.
Peace & Love,
Foreal
<journal entry>
June 13, 2023
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